> "Nobody wants a fat old woman."

I think you're wrong.

I'm 60 myself, and I like fat women. I mean, not only curvy, really fat. To me they look more feminine. :-)

I cannot be the only one.

So your body would be fine for people like me. OTOH, your attitude and fears about men could easily make you unattractive in my eyes. Have you ever considered that, sometimes, lack of attraction may stem from mindset and personality rather than body?

Anyway, I'm sorry for the sorrow you experienced in your upbringing. Maybe those experiences left you scars that aren't fully healed even today (hence your negative views of men).