> “the decision to stay together as long as possible is evidence of this good mothering and prioritization of the children.”

I think the Dr. is too absolving towards these women; at least in the first case, when women know in advance they want to divorce.

Of course they’re putting the children first; but, at the same time, they’re putting their husband LAST. They have the right to divorce, of course, but keeping it a secret and blindsiding a spouse is unfair and deeply hurting.

As usual, let’s revert the genders and see how it feels: let’s say it’s the husband who, at one point, decides he’s fed up with his marriage and wants out; but he will stay silent until the children are graduated (or 18, or whatever).

How will the wife feel when, finally, it will come out: “I stopped loving you years and years ago, but I kept silent and faked being happy because of the children”? She will have the burden of the impending divorce and, on top of it, the trauma of being lied upon for many years. It will be shocking; it will feel like deceit and betrayal. To me, it sounds even worse than being cheated upon.

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I think the decent thing to do, in these cases, is talking with the spouse and being honest about the issue. Then, they can decide together what will be best for the children. If they keep living together, at least they will be both aware of the situation, and able to support each other through it.

IMO, avoiding this kind of talk and “faking it” is really dishonest and selfish, and it means the marital vows had no real value. One might stop loving his/her spouse, sure; but at least one owes her/him respect.